“Did you know I’ve taken up a career as an author?”
“Have you sold anything?”
“Yes, my TV, my car and my watch!”
Statistics prove that the best time to buy anything is a year ago!
The shortest measurable interval of time is that between when you put away some money for an emergency, and the arrival of the emergency.
In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.
The world’s best salesman is the one who sold two milking machines to a farmer with one cow, and then accepted the cow as down payment.
Two holidaymakers at the Great Barrier Reef were chatting. One said, “I’m here on insurance money. I got $10,000 for fire damage.” The other replied, “So am I, but I got $50,000 for flood damage.” The first one thought a while and then said, “Tell me, how do you start a flood?”
Housewife: “Inflation is terrible! I just went to the supermarket and put a down-payment on a ham!”
A good citizen should pay his taxes with a smile, but the government always insists on money…
“I see your previous boss says you were a real live wire salesman. I’m pleased to know that! What were you selling?” “Live wires, sir!”
“There’s only one honest way to make money. Only one.” “What is it?” “I thought you wouldn’t know it!!!”
A real penny pincher went into a church and put a five cent piece in the offering. One the way home, he was caught in a rain storm, so he crawled into a hollow log. The rain and his wet clothes made the wood swell, and soon he was stuck fast. Scared, he started thinking about his sins. Finally he remembered the five-center in the offering. That thought made him feel so small that he slipped out of the log and went home.
Two unionists were passing a construction site and observed a backhoe bulldozer hard at work. One said to the other, “That horrible machine! If it wasn’t there, six men with shovels could be on that job!”
The other one replied, “And if it weren’t for your six shovels, 200 men with teaspoons could be at it!”
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:
- Buying a stronger whip.
- Changing riders.
- Threatening the horse with termination.
- Appointing a committee to study the horse.
- Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
- Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
- Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.
- Creating a training session to increase the rider’s load share.
- Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
- Change the form so that it reads: “This horse is not dead.”
- Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
- Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
- Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.
- Providing additional funding to increase the horse’s performance.
- Do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity.
- Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
- Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
- Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
- Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.
- Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
I started with nothing, and I still have most of it left.
A lottery is a tax on people who are bad at probability.
A very successful businessman was out of town, residing in the best 5-star hotel in the city. To his horror, he was treated as just “another customer”. Determined to show his great riches and importance, he loudly requested the waiter to bring him $100 worth of bacon and eggs for breakfast. The waiter realised he needed a wake-up call and replied (for all in the room to hear), “Sorry sir, we don’t serve half portions!”
“Stick ’em down! One false move and I’ll blow my brains out!” “Don’t you mean Stick ’em up?” “No wonder I’m losing money…”
Executive: Someone who believes in sharing the credit with the one who did the work.
“I’m looking for someone to lend me $50.” “You’ve got a nice day for it!”
Who’s afraid of the depression? I’ve failed in boom times!
The best way to make ends meet is to get off your own.
“What? $1000 for that antique? But you only wanted $450 for it last week!” “You know how the cost of labour and materials keeps going up!”
Business is so bad that the bankruptcy court has opened a drive-in window!
Is it true that income tax is a form of capital punishment?
I owe a fortune, but I’m still not unhappy. Think how bad it would be to be one of my creditors!
Crook: a business rival who has just left the room.
A local idiot was constantly teased by being offered a 10c coin or a 20c coin. He always chose the ten-center. When asked why, he said, “If I ever pick the big one, they’ll stop offering!”
Money isn’t everything – there are also stocks, bonds, letters of credit, traveller’s cheques, drafts, …
After 40 years of hard work, he retired with $9,000,000, which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment, and the death of an uncle who left him $8,999,999.50.
“My dad writes a couple of lines, calls it a poem, and gets $50 for it!”
“My dad writes a few squiggles on lines, calls it a song, and gets $75 for it!”
“My dad reads a sermon from a pulpit, and it takes four deacons to collect the money!”
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life – unless I buy anything!