Category Archives: Humor

Time for a brief humorous interlude

IQ test for professionals.
The rest of you can take this also.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Correct answer:
Open the refrigerator door, put the giraffe in, and close the door. This question tests whether or not you do simple things in a complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong answer:
Open the refrigerator, put the elephant in, and close the door.

Correct answer:
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put the elephant in, and close the door. This question tests your prudence and practicality.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals except one attend. Which one does not attend?

Correct answer:
The elephant. The elephant is still in the refrigerator and cannot open the door from the inside. This question tests whether or not you have comprehensive thinking skills.

If you did not answer correctly the first three questions, this next question is your last chance to show your qualification to be a professional.

4. There is a river inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage to pass it?

Correct answer:
Swim through it. All of the animals, including the crocodiles, are attending the conference (except the elephant, of course).

Don’t be frustrated if you failed this test. According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, about 90% of the professionals failed the exam. However, most pre-schoolers got it correct, thus disproving the popular theory that most “professionals” have the brains of a four-year old.

Funny money quotes

enjoy these money quotes…

“I wish everyone could get rich and famous and everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that’s not the answer.”
~ Jim Carrey

“He that is of the opinion money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money.” ~ Benjamin Franklin “If you would be wealthy, think of saving as well as getting.”
~ Benjamin Franklin

“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.”
~ Benjamin Franklin

“Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pound ought and six, result misery.”
~ Charles Dickens

“If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves there wouldn’t be enough to go around.”
~ Christina Stead

“Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game.”
~ Donald Trump

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”
~ Dorothy Parker

“I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.”
~ e e cummings

“The only way not to think about money is to have a great deal of it.”
~ Edith Wharton

“Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you’ll be surprised at how little you have.”
~ Ernest Haskins

“My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.”
~ Errol Flynn

“The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last.”
~ Evan Esar

“Lack of money is the root of all evil.”
~ George Bernard Shaw

“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.”
~ Groucho Marx

“If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.”
~ J. Paul Getty

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.”
~ Jackie Mason

“A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of.”
~ Jane Austen

“A wise man should have money in his head, but not in his heart.”
~ Jonathan Swift

“Do not be fooled into believing that because a man is rich he is necessarily smart. There is ample proof to the contrary.”
~ Julius Rosenwald

More money related jokes :) Enjoy!

“Did you know I’ve taken up a career as an author?”
“Have you sold anything?”
“Yes, my TV, my car and my watch!”

Statistics prove that the best time to buy anything is a year ago!

The shortest measurable interval of time is that between when you put away some money for an emergency, and the arrival of the emergency.

In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.

The world’s best salesman is the one who sold two milking machines to a farmer with one cow, and then accepted the cow as down payment.

Two holidaymakers at the Great Barrier Reef were chatting. One said, “I’m here on insurance money. I got $10,000 for fire damage.” The other replied, “So am I, but I got $50,000 for flood damage.” The first one thought a while and then said, “Tell me, how do you start a flood?”

Housewife: “Inflation is terrible! I just went to the supermarket and put a down-payment on a ham!”

A good citizen should pay his taxes with a smile, but the government always insists on money…

“I see your previous boss says you were a real live wire salesman. I’m pleased to know that! What were you selling?” “Live wires, sir!”

“There’s only one honest way to make money. Only one.” “What is it?” “I thought you wouldn’t know it!!!”

A real penny pincher went into a church and put a five cent piece in the offering. One the way home, he was caught in a rain storm, so he crawled into a hollow log. The rain and his wet clothes made the wood swell, and soon he was stuck fast. Scared, he started thinking about his sins. Finally he remembered the five-center in the offering. That thought made him feel so small that he slipped out of the log and went home.

Two unionists were passing a construction site and observed a backhoe bulldozer hard at work. One said to the other, “That horrible machine! If it wasn’t there, six men with shovels could be on that job!”
The other one replied, “And if it weren’t for your six shovels, 200 men with teaspoons could be at it!”

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

  • Buying a stronger whip.
  • Changing riders.
  • Threatening the horse with termination.
  • Appointing a committee to study the horse.
  • Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
  • Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
  • Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.
  • Creating a training session to increase the rider’s load share.
  • Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
  • Change the form so that it reads: “This horse is not dead.”
  • Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
  • Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
  • Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.
  • Providing additional funding to increase the horse’s performance.
  • Do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity.
  • Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
  • Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
  • Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
  • Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.
  • Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

I started with nothing, and I still have most of it left.

A lottery is a tax on people who are bad at probability.

A very successful businessman was out of town, residing in the best 5-star hotel in the city. To his horror, he was treated as just “another customer”. Determined to show his great riches and importance, he loudly requested the waiter to bring him $100 worth of bacon and eggs for breakfast. The waiter realised he needed a wake-up call and replied (for all in the room to hear), “Sorry sir, we don’t serve half portions!”

“Stick ’em down! One false move and I’ll blow my brains out!” “Don’t you mean Stick ’em up?” “No wonder I’m losing money…”

Executive: Someone who believes in sharing the credit with the one who did the work.

“I’m looking for someone to lend me $50.” “You’ve got a nice day for it!”

Who’s afraid of the depression? I’ve failed in boom times!

The best way to make ends meet is to get off your own.

“What? $1000 for that antique? But you only wanted $450 for it last week!” “You know how the cost of labour and materials keeps going up!”

Business is so bad that the bankruptcy court has opened a drive-in window!

Is it true that income tax is a form of capital punishment?

I owe a fortune, but I’m still not unhappy. Think how bad it would be to be one of my creditors!

Crook: a business rival who has just left the room.

A local idiot was constantly teased by being offered a 10c coin or a 20c coin. He always chose the ten-center. When asked why, he said, “If I ever pick the big one, they’ll stop offering!”

Money isn’t everything – there are also stocks, bonds, letters of credit, traveller’s cheques, drafts, …

After 40 years of hard work, he retired with $9,000,000, which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment, and the death of an uncle who left him $8,999,999.50.

“My dad writes a couple of lines, calls it a poem, and gets $50 for it!”
“My dad writes a few squiggles on lines, calls it a song, and gets $75 for it!”
“My dad reads a sermon from a pulpit, and it takes four deacons to collect the money!”

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life – unless I buy anything!

Financial/Money Jokes

Here are some pretty funny jokes about money. I will try to update this posting and add some more jokes as I find them. Enjoy :)


A woman proudly told her friend, “I’m responsible for making my husband a millionaire.” “Well what was he before he married you?” the friend asked. “A billionaire.”


Washington, D. C.
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River. “That’s impossible,” said the tourist. “No one could throw a coin that far!” “You have to remember,” answered the guide. “A dollar went a lot farther in those days.”


Graduation Day
It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. “Let’s try to make this look natural” she said. “Junior, put your arm around your dad’s shoulder.” The father answered, “If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?”


The Stock Report
Helium was up. Feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued a slow decline. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. Balloon prices were inflated. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.


A dollar per point
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.


The conservative businessman got on the elevator and curtly asked the bellboy to take him to the 18th floor. “Sure thing, son,” replied the bellboy. “How dare you call me son!” exclaimed the outraged man. “Well,” replied the boy, “I brought you up, didn’t I?”


A letter from a college student
The parents of a Northwestern student who just headed back from holiday received this letter: Dear Mom and Dad: Univer$ity life i$ $o wonderful! Cla$$e$ and $e$$ion are intere$ting, my cla$$mate$ are the be$t! But after $pending all my ca$h on Chri$tma$ pre$ent$, I am in a little need for $ome $pending money for book$ and $uch. But I don’t want to $end the wrong $ignal$ home.


Your $on


Insufficient Funds
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!” “I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad. “You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.” “What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the state,” he said. “there must be some mistake.” “I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”


Saving money
Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father,Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand. Good, my dad quickly replied. Wash it again!


You Know You’re Rich When…
During a cold winter night you can’t find any more firewood so you hack the leg off your Steinway grand piano and use it to keep the fire going until your butler shows back up with something more flammable Your children play monopoly with real money.


God’s Time And Money
A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God, “How long is 10 million years to you?” God replied, “1 second.” The next day the preacher asked God, “God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?” And God replied, “A penny.” Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, “God, can I have one of your pennies?” And God replied, “Just wait a sec.”


A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said “Why did you put up such a fight?” To which the man promptly replied “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”


Female intelligence
A man, who loved money more than just about anything, said just before he died to his wife, “Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me. When he died she did what she had promised, came over with the money box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and rolled it away. So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!”

She said, “Listen, I’m a Christian. I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him. “You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!? “I sure did,” said the wife. “I wrote him a check.”


A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing. The owner walks up to the young man and says, “Son, how much do you make a day?”

The guy replies, “150 dollars.”

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks the owner, “Have you seen the UPS driver?? I asked him to wait here for me!”


A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.

The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, “We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?”

The business man replied: “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?”


Remember laughter’s the best medicine, unless you’re asthmatic, then its Ventolin.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards–NAIVE.


Double your money
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

If you lend somebody ten pounds and never see them again….. it was probably worth it.

Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back

Hard work
As long as my boss keeps pretending that I am earning a lot, I go on pretending that I work hard.

Who gets a rise because of his excellent performance must have been underpaid for some time.

Being successful
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


A vacuum sales man appeared at the door of an old lady’s cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said,”If this new vacuum doesn’t pick up every bit of dirt then I’ll eat all the dirt.”

The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, “Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?”


A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?” Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $300.00 a week. Why?”

The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, “Here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?”

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”